Saturday, July 30, 2005

Quick Confession

**Warning, explicit lyrics ahead**


Okay, I have a quick and freaky confession to make... aside from the other nasty post I just wrote. Ya ever just been in the mood to do something nasty with someone that's fine? It's a nasty thing that you want to do but ya just don't give a fuck cuz ya just wanna get down and DIRTY!! Well, (deep breath)... I wanna find me a FOINE ass big booty chica, click with her, take her back to my joint and just LICK THAT P***Y!!! But not just any kind of way. I wanna have her in the doggy style position and just.... (grunting) lick it up!!! I've been really, really, really fantasizing about that. But not just any kind of pretty chic. I'm talking slim waist and a big booty, like juicy hip hop video vixen, ass clappin, down South, Atlanta stripper type of booty. You know, that jiggly booty that bounces like a muthafucka when you spank it, hit it from the back, squeeze it and it goes in between your fingers type of booty... like a "my hands ain't big enough for all of this" type of booty.... like a "if I spank it hard, I know it ain't gon' hurt cuz you got all kindsa cushion" type of booty... like a "you are the reason tight pants were invented" kind of ass, ya know? I been wanting to take that body, bend it over and just lick that clit up. Damn it... I don't know what's happening to me!!!


Okay, now I know that I may have sounded too aggressive or maybe just straight up too nasty for some, but damn it, I can't help that I love that freaky shit.

[ TheSaga | 10:03 PM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Missing Non-white person

Latoyia Figueroa, who's 24 and 5 months pregnant and has a 7 year old has JUST started to recieve coverage by the media. Why? She's half Black, 1/2 Latina (in other words, Non-White), not rich, not well-to-do, or none of that. That's why. She's just a regular minority girl from Philly.


Natalee Holloway however is still being searched for internationally by the media. Her reward is up to a million dollars because of folks donating to her fund... not for Ms. Figueroa though. Hers is only 10 thousand, I'm sure due to lack of coverage. Afterall, who's going to donate to a fund that no one knows anything about.


Anyway, if you want to read more on this, here ya go.


As far as contributing to her fund, click here.

[ TheSaga | 9:17 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Alter the Drive

**Warning, explicit lyrics ahead**


My sex drive is starting to really heat up. I'm looking at all kinds of women every and anywhere and getting hot as the fuck... Black women, Latin women, White women, Asian women, older women, younger chics, etc, etc, etc. On top of that, my d**k gets hard as the fuck, I'm talking SUPER hard in the mornings and when I'm getting ready to do you-know-what. I'm guessing it must feel almost a half to an inch longer during sex because the harder it gets the bigger it gets, and I've noticed it stays at full "solidness" the whole time. The extreme lust I've been feeling also increases my stamina, so the last two girls I was with were left damn near paralyzed afterwards. It just took longer because it was harder for me to get mines, not to mention the sex has been EXTREMELY aggressive too... I mean WILD!!! hee hee.


Now, I said I was just going to use these pills for only one month just for my workouts but umm, I think I'ma find me some more. Not only is it helping my workouts but DAYUM, sex is feeling extra good!!!


How does that song go again?? Oh yeah:
Beat the pussy up, beat the pussy up
Beat the pussy up, beat the pussy up
Like B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM...

[ TheSaga | 8:46 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Friday, July 29, 2005

Uuuuugh

So... (hiccup)... a cow-orker (i know it's co-worker but Cow.Orker sounds funny to me) has called it quits at our job and we had a going away lunch... now i'm tipsy as fuck... and still at work... and i still have to hit the gym in a few hours.... Fuck.

[ TheSaga | 11:26 AM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Darker Shades

I've heard from a lot of women who have dark complexions complain about how they think, or think that guys think that a dark complexion is an unattractive trait. They've said shit like, "They always go for the light skinned girls", and so forth. Let me tell yall, I'm attracted to women of all complexions, including your dark complexion. I think it's gorgeous.


PLEASE don't ever think it's unattractive. Your color creates a beautiful ambiance. It sets a mood; I look at you and I see and feel so many things that go beyond the physical.


- It radiates power. I don't know why but when I see a woman of color in business attire it's a turn on, but when it's on a darker complexion, I feel something stronger emerging out of you. I don't know if it's a vibe coming out of you or you doing something to me.


- In intimate settings you set the romance, not the candles, not the flowers, not the music. All those things do is enhance the mood you've already established. You can just walk into a room and give me this feeling... this feeling that makes me realize that all I need to do is look at you to feel taken over. Your body reflects the moonlight in the purest form. I feel like I'm touching the night's essence when I'm touching you. How could you dislike this feature? How could anyone dislike this feature, or think that it's unattractive? It's beautiful, believe me.


- It defines you, it defines your struggles, it defines your culture and I love that. Be proud of that and represent, mami.


I'm writing all this cuz I hate seeing a woman hate something so beautiful. LOVE IT!!! If some muhfuckas don't like it then hell with them. It's a thing of beauty, mami. Don't ever deny it.

[ TheSaga | 6:30 PM | 3 Newton-meters ]

Pills

Okay, so I started taking these pills to enhance my workout. They're kind of... ummm... illegal BUT damn, they work. Now, they didn't help me lift anything heavier, after all it is the first day I've started taking them BUT they did give me all kinds of energy.


The pills are NOT steroids so don't get it twisted. It's just that they do enhance performance and from all the research I did, sports authorities like for the Olympics and shit don't want them to be used by the Olympians so they banned them altogether. I haven't found anything on health risks though.


Anyway, as far as the energy, my muscles were fatigued so they really couldn't go anymore but I actually felt like I had the energy to keep going. My muscles were just too tired. Usually I'm too tired to do anything after my workout but man, I'm feeling GOOOOD!!! Anyway, I can only take these pills for a month then I have to stop, as recommended. Hopefully I'll see weight lifting gains within the coming weeks. They're supposed to help only a little bit; they're not like anabolic steroids or anything where they help out a lot.


Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know, I'm feeling GOOOOD!!!!

[ TheSaga | 5:56 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Monday, July 25, 2005

Growth

Lately I've not been growing at all. I've not been reading, I've not been talking much about shit that matters (intellectual convo), I've not been trying to seek more wisdom, shit, I haven't even been blogging much. I've just been sitting on idle. On top of that, life is having less and less meaning.


I think it's because I'm so overwhelmed by the problems with my son's mom and shit that all growth has paused. I curse a lot more, I think unenthusiastically, and I stay to myself a lot. I'm barely enjoying life, thinking that everything that I've worked hard for will be taken from me.


I remember when I was a kid doing my thing, I had to look over my shoulder so much I never really thought I'd live to be 18... then 21... then 25. Once I was reaching 23 or 24 I kinda developed some hope for life because I saw myself stepping out of the game completely eventually; I'd matured and saw a life outside of the streets. Now that I'm at the base of success, and looking to climb up the ladder, I have this terrible fear that it's going to be taken from me and I'll be left with nothing again. I can look at a tremendous downfall as just a downfall and get to working on attaining success again but it's been such a bitch coming out of the game that I won't think it's worth it. I view life as so limited and I don't want to spend my entire life performing the same work over and over again just to have it taken from me repeatedly. Plus, I still haven't been able to rid myself of those thoughts I always had as a kid of being run up on and being capped off by somebody. Could it be that I'm stuck in a mindset that someone's out to get me?


The reason I think my time is so limited is because I have lived for my son since day one and I don't want to spend all my life chasing success when he's my main priority. I want to reach success the first time around and stay there so I can give him all the things I never had, like a great education, a nurturing environment, experiencing different cultures through travelling, etc. I don't want to spoil him with all kinds of material things but with knowledge. I mean, I go to this expensive high class gym (I get a huge discount cuz of my job) and I see all the priviledged white kids and shit and I want my son to have all the opportunities they have. Most of all though, I want to be there for him so I can teach him EVERYTHING I've learned in life. So it's like I want to give him priviledge AND knowledge at the same time and it's hard if I'm working all the damn time, chasing the benefit of priviledge.


On top of all this, my dreams and aspirations are jumbled right now. What the FUCK do I WANT?!!! Money or experience? Right now I'm at a crossroads over these two. Switch jobs and stay in my line of work and make about $15,000 more than I'm making right now or go down about $2-4 g's and get the experience I really want and start all over again with experience. It'll set me back about 2 years with work experience but I'll be doing more of what I want to do, and it'll set me back about 4-5 years back financially. Hmmm.... quite a dilemma I tells ya.


Anyway, back to growth. I think it's just fear that's hindering my growth. When I spoke to X-girl a few days back, we spoke about this and she told me straight up to quit worrying about a potential failure that hasn't even happened and to just make my move. So... it's time to overcome something new: Fear. Let's start by looking for a new job, shall we? I'm tired of the one I've got. Monster.com... here I come.

[ TheSaga | 12:51 PM | 1 Newton-meters ]

Thursday, July 21, 2005

I'm Blessed...

...with problems that I'm not able to handle, despite the fact that I've tried so hard to do the right thing


- with a bound life that's in the hands of other people


- with success that I worked hard for and is being threatened to be taken from me by someone that I used to love and have always tried to be fair to


- with a child who I love so dearly, and he's being used as a tool against me...




Thanks God... remind me to bring my fuckin gun when I meet up with You at the Gates of Heaven.

[ TheSaga | 5:00 PM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

As I Wait For The Day... I Plan For Life Or Death

I spoke to my son's mom yesterday and she's decided to get some paperwork started to ensure that she gets some money from me for my son in case the other girl who's going to have my possible kid decides to drain me. I can understand that to be honest. I really can. She wants to make sure that our son is covered in case an outside force messes up the way things are. That's all fine and dandy. What really fucked my head up is that she went to a lawyer to figure out how much she'd be entitled to in case that day ever came. Ya know how much that motherfucker told her? $700-$800 a month. In other words, I'd have to sell my fuckin house and go back to the God damn ghetto while being a fucking engineer. An engineer in the fuckin ghetto, can you believe that shit? A degreed, mechanical engineer who sacrificed 6 years of his livelihood to advance in life, living amidst the crime that he worked so hard to get out of. I mean I sacrificed. I sacrificed more than most of my college peers, in my opinion, to get where I am; believe that shit.


But what really, really fucked with me was that my son's mother told me how some of her people, friends and family, told her, "I don't know why you didn't put him on it a long time ago." Want to know why? Because I wouldn't have been able to afford it, muthafuckas!!!! I would have been forced to live a 'hood where my son would literally fear for his fuckin life. Right now I'm strapped for money because of school loans mostly, but also because I don't make that much. Somehow the law figures that's okay though; I should still go bankrupt according to them.


Now, I take damn good care of my son. Why would she need that much money a month? I have him the same amount of time she does, meaning we incur the SAME amount of costs on him. I have to feed him just as much as her, I have to clothe him just as much, entertain him as much, etc... but she deserves damn near a thousand dollars a month? IF she had him ALL the time, I'd understand it more because she'd have to pay for EVERYTHING... but she doesn't. So, my question is if I have to give her all that money, what am I supposed to raise him with if he's with me all of that time? How am I supposed to clothe him, feed him... shit, feed myself??!!! I mean, currently I take on more of his financial expenses anyway because I make more than her... but of course, she would need MORE according to the courts.


She's not struggling. She's got a damn good job. She doesn't make as much as I do but she makes a lot more than my mom made when she raised me and trust me, she can make a good living with what she makes, especially since I already take on most of my son's expenses.


She asked to leave our marriage, so I let her ass go with little drama. If you leave a marriage because you want to party and shit then you SHOULD.SUPPORT.YOURSELF. I'll take care of my son, don't worry about him, but you live YOUR personal life with YOUR money. I'll live my life with mine AND I'll take care of my lil man. Do you really think she'd spend $800 a month on our son? He doesn't have that many expenses, especially since I'm taking on my share of them. So basically, I'd have to pay her the $800 and STILL be expected to take on all the expenses that I take on when I'm with him. Like I said, I can't afford that. Now, is that fair? But you know what the courts would say? "That's your problem. Pay it." I've seen it happen.


Would it be fair that I lose my house? No, but that's my problem. Would it be fair that my relationship with my son would suffer because I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of him while he's with me? No, but that's my problem. Would it be fair that she'd be able to buy a new car with all that fuckin money while my credit was ruined because of her? No, but that's my problem.


I take damn good care of my son. What more does the fuckin system want? The fact is that the system doesn't give a good God damn about me or my kid or the bond that we share or that I already pay most of his expenses, because to the court it's not enough; it demands MORE. It wouldn't give a fuck if a woman spent all that money on herself, only that the man kept paying. If not, then his ass is going to jail. I've seen that shit happen too. All the system gives a fuck about is being right, is slamming its bloody, iron fist down, and laying down the law that it has established. I've read about how a man stated to the judge that he's done as much as he can do while living impoverished by the judgment, so what more can he do? The judge answered, "Well, I suggest you file for bankruptcy." And I'm supposed to believe in this fuckin system? As far as I'm concerned it's my fuckin enemy.


When I see a muthafucka like me, who is doing all he can do for his kid, taken advantage of by the kid's mom and the courts, it literally makes me regret having had a kid with a woman. It makes me regret parenthood. It makes me hate relationships with women with the deepest passion, so deep that it turns my soul BLACK, so deep that it makes me wonder what good is there in this world if I've worked so hard to escape poverty JUST to be placed right back by other people, by spiteful, vain people?


A stupid muthafucka can tell me "Nobody said life was fair," but that doesn't mean that I have to be either. IF some foul shit like this happens and I'm brought right back into poverty despite everything I've worked so hard for, the world had better watch out... because I'll retaliate in a tremendous and terrible way. For months now, every day that I've woken up, I've woken up caring less and less for life. Once everything is taken from me there will be no limit to what I can do to those who've brought me down. For now, all I can do is wait for the day to see what happens... and as I wait, I plan for life... or for death.

[ TheSaga | 3:10 PM | 3 Newton-meters ]

Friday, July 15, 2005

I Think I'm Lost

I hate everything righteous right about now. I love growing intellectually but spiritually I'm dying, hence causing a hatred of sacred shit like marriage, forgiveness, trust, etc.


The fact is all that shit causes one to get played. I also see it as making life boring, especially marriage. I have absolutely no faith in matrimony. When people bring up me and marriage I'm always like, "For what, just to get divorced again?" I expect a divorce... and why shouldn't I? Look at the stats, divorce rate is higher than a successful marriage rate. And what is a "successful" marriage? Did you know that according to infidelity rates, it seems that most marriages have someone cheating, if not both parties? That shit ain't successful to me.


The fact is that no matter how dedicated you are, no matter how hard you work, no matter how hard you love that person and are there for that person, they can STILL cheat on you because something is lacking. It could just be that you've been arguing like all hell for a few weeks or a few months, they'll feel that the "love" is missing (or whatever other factor) and drift off into someone else's arms. Then there's lust that you and your partner have to fight off. Do you really think you're not going to get tired of fucking the same muthafucka for decades and decades? I know I will. That fresh feeling you get when it's someone new will eventually get old and you'll miss that so much. People lose their appeal after years and years and yeeeears of marriage and if you come across someone who is new and sexy in their own way, lust will start to creep in and fuck with your mind and confidence. You'll develop that crush and think about sex with that new attractive person. Of course, you'll have to fight it off... but I find it discouraging that my significant other would have their eyes and mind on someone else. I should feel okay about it because it's human and unavoidable but I can't accept that shit. Those thoughts are the root of infidelity and I don't want that shit to grow. Of course, that's what trust is for, right? But I don't have that trait anymore. I've seen too much bullshit to trust anyone with that much of me.


Yeah, you can say "but it takes work" and all that other bullshit but I've been there. I've worked and sacrificed for a marriage that demanded all of my free time and all of my freedom and that shit was entirely too much of a sacrifice. Why would I want to give that up for anyone?


Yeah, you can say that in time my trust will come back but I don't feel it doing so. Like I said, I feel lost. And I can find my way back but that doesn't make the statistics change. It's still a very real possibility that I'll get played or that I'll want to drift because it's so boring and monotonous.


I can tell you, giving up the single life is NOT for me.

[ TheSaga | 9:04 AM | 1 Newton-meters ]

Thursday, July 14, 2005

That's Strange

Oddly my ex-wife emailed me, and a few other people, a chain letter. I was surprised for two reasons. 1) She doesn't email me much unless it's to discuss something about my son and we usually just talk on the phone for that, and 2) what the chain letter said. It read: No dejes nunca a quien te ama por aquel que te gusta porque ese que te gusta te dejara por ese que ama, which means "Don't ever leave the one who loves you for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one he/she loves."


It's probably nothing though.

[ TheSaga | 6:47 AM | 4 Newton-meters ]

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Going Out

Because I'm tired of going out, I'm a little insecure about dating because I don't know whether I'll entertain my date or just bore her. I'm tired of the club scene so I don't care to go dancing much, I'm tired of paying an arm and a leg for a drink at a nice bar, there ain't much to do at the lakefront, and I don't feel like just sitting at home talking to a chick. I have very few options. I think I might frequent a few "poetry" clubs but that shit's played out too. Everybody sounds the same at those joints: The MAN, man bashing, woman bashing, my self worth, etc, it all sounds the damn same.


I've met a couple of chicas that I might ask out but I can't think of what we should do. I do want to impress them and have a good time. Movies never really get old but you can't get to know someone at a movie, ya know? I guess I might take them to all the places I'm tired of because like I said, there isn't too much that I'm interested in right now. I pretty much just want to concentrate in getting to know them and having a few laughs. In order to get to know a woman though, I feel like I have to pay, and take them out, etc to keep them interested. I don't believe that that is the case with most women but that's just how I feel. I probably don't have to take them to fancy joints but it just seems like that's what the competition for a woman's attention demands.


Maybe I shouldn't even bother meeting women for a while.

[ TheSaga | 7:38 AM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Black Women's "Ownership" of Me

I don't know why but lately I've been noticing young (very young) White girls' eyes drifting my way a bit at the gym. Not much but it has been happening. How young? Like, they're still in high school and shit. Now, I don't think it's because I'm gettin all swole and shit because I'm one of the smaller (not the smallest) guys there. I've NEVER been one to attract white women, NEVER. Given, these aren't white women but still, I've always been looked over by "those people". Anyway...


As everyone knows, I'm Honduran and damn proud of it. I'm always willing to date any race because I feel neutral with my nationality and unclassified race. **note: I'm Latino but if asked to claim a race, i.e. Black, White, Pacific Islander, etc, I don't know what to claim because my lineage includes everything. During the 2000 census for example, they asked nationality (Honduran), ethnicity (Latino), and race (??)** Even though I'm willing to date anyone, I seem to have most play and a GREAT attraction to Black mamis. Now, often I've been mistaken for Black down here in New Orleans because of this place having so many Creoles; I can't count how many times people have looked at me and tried to figure out what I am. I never sweat it because I actually love the attention that this mystery brings. Some people have been so sure I'm Black though that I've actually been on dates with "Black power" girls and listened to their "I love my Black king" and "I couldn't date outside of my race" speeches, without them even knowing that they are dating outside of their race at that very moment. The biggest smile would form on my face, seriously. It was hilarious. I'd go with the flow though. I wouldn't let them know until the end of the date, AFTER they'd agreed to another date... shoot, I'd even wait after that first deep kiss at the end of the night. After they'd agree to the date I'd be like "Cool. Ya know I'm Latino, right?" Of course, they'd be in disbelief and we'd both crack up afterwards. I'd get another kiss and be out.


I've enjoyed this because I liked that they got to know me, liked me, and opened their eyes to another culture. It's a cool thing I tells ya.


What trips me out is that I've gone out to lunch with White female friends and the looks I've gotten from Black women could literally burn a hole through a phone book. It's hilarious to me because they are putting claim on someone they can't put claim on. No one belongs to anyone but you know the type of claim I'm talking about. Plus, some of my Black female friends give me this look... no, THE look, when I tell them a certain White chick at my job or at the gym is attractive or that I almost asked a certain White chica out. I mean they look at me like I'm a fucking sellout to the Black race. It completely cracks me up, seriously. Even a popular blogger that I dated gave me THE look when I told her that Amy Lee is a cutie. And don't talk about if a White woman looks in my direction while I'm on a date with a Black mami. THE look is given in the direction of that White chic.


Despite that the looks are those of wrath, I still find them flattering. It's nice to be cherished enough by "THE lookers" that they don't want me to steer away... even though I'm not one of "them."

[ TheSaga | 5:26 AM | 3 Newton-meters ]

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Credit Scores

I learned a long time ago to take damn good care of my credit. I always used to see my mom struggle because she could never get any loans for things because of her shitty credit. She couldn't ever get any decent cars, home repair loans, etc. That shit taught me that if I want to get nice shit, I have to take care of mine... so I did.


I always paid shit off early, I never spent more than I could afford comfortably, I always budgetted conservatively, etc. I did everything I could do so I could live financially comfortably, and for a long time I did live happy with my perfect credit. Now, is a different story.


When my ex-wife and I split up, we split our debts evenly. I paid mine off. She had taken about $6,000 in credit card debts, almost $5,000 of which my name was attached to. She went to some debt counselling lawyers to try and have those debts negotiated and reduced. Their first piece of advise: stop making payments; we'll take it from here. She asked me to sign some paperwork and assured me that everything would be alright after the debts were paid off. They took that shit and did all kinds of negotiating, all the while my credit was getting fucked up. Now I have a judgement on my credit report, adverse accounts in the thousands of dollars. My shit is on complete lock down now and it will remain that way until 2012. In the mean time, no bank or credit union will give me a loan for anything, for no amount. Since I can't take out any loans I can't raise my credit score. My shit will be blank for years to come, with only my house on there, that's it. No loans or anything to show that I pay on time and shit. I'm so fucked. I worked so damn hard to make sure my shit was damn good. I had all kinds of loans on there that said "paid off" or "paid on time". I am never putting my fuckin name on anything to help any-fuckin-body out ever again. You don't know how aggravating this is, how frustrating it is to know that I worked hard as hell for years and years to make sure my shit looked good and then have someone else come into my life and fuck it all up in just a few months. FUCK!!!!!!!!!

[ TheSaga | 12:53 PM | 1 Newton-meters ]

Saturday, July 09, 2005

A Voice To Forgive

"Please, please forgive me. Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?" I hear those words come out of your mouth and it weakens me. Your feminine voice carries them beautifully. How could a man not fall weak and think of forgiving a woman?


Your crimes can be severe to my heart, they can destroy me internally but when I hear your voice I want to forgive you. Why did God give you this Kryptonite? Why did He make the woman so powerful? Why did He make the heart so weak?

[ TheSaga | 11:26 PM | 5 Newton-meters ]

Worried

I'm concerned about my son. His mom (my exwife) has not allowed me to speak with him all day and denied me seeing him, saying that he's going to stay with her mom, then saying that he's going to stay with her when it's supposed to be my day with him. I'm supposed to keep him from Saturday until Tuesday and she's not even let me speak to him. Her excuse is that "he's comfortable" where he is but he's equally comfortable in my house. He's always asking to come here and be with me.


Before, we would always agree on who would see him and when. That's how it was written on the divorce degree, we'd agree when each of us would get him. Now she's always telling me when I'm going to see him. She's not in charge of that. We agreed on joint custody and that we'd have him an equal amount of time. I take on the majority of his costs. I spend good time with him. We're always bonding and he loves it. What's going on here? Why is she being like this? We've always been mutual with everything regarding him. What the fuck?!! Is she trying to set me up so she can take me to court or something? Considering that I pay all of his day care costs and that I have equal time with him, meaning I have equal expenses with him when he's with me, I don't see what the fuck her issue is. I'm fuckin worried here, man. This isn't like her. I need to see my son.


I just spoke with her mom and she told me that since my son's mom is pregnant she just gets upset easily and gets that way with everyone so not to worry. She says that after she has the baby everything will be cool. Shit still worries me though. I want to see my son, I miss him.

[ TheSaga | 5:30 PM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Old Feelings Taken For Granted

Every now and then I get an old feeling from when I was a kid. The feelings were taken for granted whenever I'd get them but whenever I get a glimpse of them now, I'm reminded of how I took a beautiful part of my life for granted.


The old kid feelings were the yearning for something badly, maybe a skateboard. I remember getting Thrasher Skateboard magazines and looking at tricks that I'd love to learn or look at skateboards that I'd love to order along with parts like wheels or trucks (axles). I'd stare at them for the longest. Another feeling would be a crush on an actress or a singer. I'd look at the picture of that actress or singer on TV Guide covers or magazines while listening to her music and admire every feature on her face along with whatever they were wearing.


The beauty in these feelings is the simplicity that I'm reminded of. I was overwhelmed by the torment that it has masked the times when I was happy but they still existed and they can't be masked completely. I miss them. It feels good to have them resurface sometimes. It's like when you got the toy that you'd prayed for. You looked at pictures of it in advertisements, you'd look for it in the toy isles whenever your mom would take you to KMart, admire the colors, and imagine how you'd play with it. It's like it felt when your birthday was coming up. You looked forward to the birthday cake because you could eat it without having to worry about how fattening, all the games, all the kids that were going to be at your house, all the presents that awaited you. It's like the puppy love you felt when you first laid eyes on someone at school. Out of the corner of your eye you'd pay attention to the way the person dressed, talked, interacted with the other kids, and waved hi and bye to you. You noticed everything about them and talked about them to your friends.


Funny thing is, I see history and those feelings starting to repeat themselves in another part of me: I see my son doing it. He watches Thomas the Tank Engine shows and says, "I want that. I want that... and that," and stares into a poster of Thomas Trains thinking of all the little trains he'd love to have, along with tracks and stations. He carries that poster everywhere. I just stare at him as he lays on the floor on his stomach with his feet in the air, his chin leaning on his hands, looking at the poster, deeply; it's beautiful.


I miss feeling it for myself but as life goes on I look at my son and get new feelings that I know I'll never feel again, so I cherish them. I indulge in them while I still can. I feel like I don't want him to grow up. I want this uncomplicated love that we share to last forever. I know that as he matures so will our connection and we'll act differently towards each other but I love where we stand right now. I love it so much I don't want it to ever end. Shit, some days I think about the day that he's going to leave for college and I damn near start to cry. My little boy will be a man...

[ TheSaga | 11:33 AM | 1 Newton-meters ]

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Ya Ever Just Wanna Kill Someone?

Ya ever just want to roll up on someone that you just know is an asshole and fill their body up with bullets and then just drive off? An asshole like a cop or a lawyer? I've felt like that often.


Ya know, I was reading that Whites don't fear and distrust cops and the system as much as Latinos and Blacks. Why do you think that is? Lol, redundant question, ha? Well, I'll admit I've met some good cops but generally I hate them. I despise them. I loath lawyers and detest judges. I completely do not trust nor believe in the legal system because I've seen just a little of the arrogance and vanity that runs it. I can only imagine what it would be like to work within the walls of a courthouse. Hmm, I think it's time I listen to Metallica's And Justice For All right about now. That's right, Metallica. I like Metallica, and I'm proud to like Metallica. It turns out they're a very educated bunch. I mean I just love the intro lyrics to the song:


Halls of justice painted green
Money talking
Power wolves beset your door
Hear them stalking
Soon youlll please their appetite
They devour
Hammer of justice crushes you
Overpower



... and then, in the hook, there's:



Seeking no truth
Winning is all
Find it so grim
So true
So real



Now, this song is madd old. I don't know if it had an influence on me when I was a kid but I really think my animosity stems from seeing what assholes cops and lawyers can be, firsthand. I've heard, "If you saw what cops had to deal with you'd see why they are the way they are." BUT I don't think that explains the actions of the New Orleans cop that had raped several women at the Lakefront or the cop that had a woman killed because she filed a complaint against him or the cop that arrested and manhandled a very pregnant woman behind an expired brake tag. The video showed that he didn't even tell her what was going on; he just stopped her, opened the door, took her out of the car, and arrested her. Or maybe it's the state troopers that would stop minorty drivers who were driving expensive cars on the interstate and "confiscate" any cash they had on them as "evidence" because of "suspicion" but not charge them with anything, knowing that a few hundred bucks wouldn't be worth the cost of an out of the area court battle. Or maybe it's the fact that although more Whites get pulled over than Blacks, Blacks are 3 times more likely to get searched when pulled over. The fact is that the power that was given to these cops, that fakes ass badge and a gun, made them think they were invinsible and they got carried away. I've heard from so many women who have dated cops and lawyers how arrogant those men can be. So that tells me that the lust for power obviously consumes them and becomes them. It becomes part of their persona, makes them who they are, and makes them less human in my eyes. Yeah, we can say that about street niggas who are gangbangers, thieves, and other people who lie, cheat, and steal to make a living but AT LEAST I know who they are. Like X said, "I have more respect for a man who let's me know where he stands, rather than come to me as an angel and is nothing but a DEVIL."


Now, I know all this sounds crazy but don't worry, I wouldn't off someone for nothing. I simply can't help how I feel. Maybe it's that I hold grudges too long. Maybe I'm still pissed at all the cops who have spoken to me so condesendingly after giving them an answer to a question they asked. Or maybe it's because I've seen my friends get penalized much, much harder for a chump charge. Yeah, the system is strict but I've seen them sentence one thing and extend that time over the smallest technicalities, all the while my homies are the ones paying the court costs, lawyers, and probation fees while the court and city profits... well beyond the time they were supposed to be completely released by the systems bloody clutch. Look at the way the system is built; absolutely everything has to be geared around them. How can someone not be consumed by this system?


They may have to put up with some shit on the streets and in the courts, but so do we. We, the people, live those lives, we struggle to make ends meet, we deal with the murders, we're the ones who are being murdered, we're the victims of the crimes... and cops are the ones that deal with shit? Bitch please. FUCK A COP!!! Fuck a money hungry lawyer, and fuck a power hungry judge.

[ TheSaga | 7:53 AM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Monday, July 04, 2005

On That Shit

Well I've decided to take my workout regime up a notch. To be in much better shape I've done heavy weight lifting, watched what I've eaten, gone running, and swimming. Unfortunately I've peaked a little bit: I don't seem to be increasing in muscle mass and my strength has levelled off, which sucks!!! So, I've decided to take a little "pep" to get me over that peak.

My homie got me some shit called Andro. It's not steroids but we're one step below. It was legal up until this past January. They banned the shit supposedly because sports foundations don't want performance enhancers to be used in competition. Fortunately I had some friends that stocked up on it for personal use before they took the shit off the shelves, and they hooked me up with a months supply, which is all I should need anyway. It doesn't have the side effects that steroids have so it's pretty safe. It doesn't deteriorate organs and muscle tissue, lower sex drive (thank GOD!!!), increase estrogen levels, etc. so I should be safe as long as I take the recommended dosages for the appropriate amount of time. Since it's not steroids this shit won't have the affect steroids would have but I don't need all that. I'm just trying to get over my stagnation. Hopefully this shit will work; according to my friends this shit will definitely help out. I'm gonna start in about 3 weeks to a month when I reach my performance peak again. Wish me luck :o)

[ TheSaga | 2:09 PM | 1 Newton-meters ]