Sunday, August 28, 2005

It's Coming

Well folks, Hurricane Katrina has decided to come straight for New Orleans. It's time for me to blaze outta here. I was going to stay because it looked like it was moving a little east but it did the opposite and moved west. It's supposed to hit tonigh/tomorrow morning.


This particular hurricane is a category 5, the most destructive level. I'm actually scared that my house may not be here when I get back. More than anything, I'm scared for my newborn. He has to stay in the NICU at the hospital. The hospital is pretty safe and a sturdy structure and it will remain completely staffed. They're urging for all hospital visitors to leave though so they don't interfere in the running of the hospital. I really wanted to stay with my son. My other son has evacuated with his mom further west. I hope that the city they chose to stay in isn't affected too bad.


It's been said that a hurricane of this magnitude could level much of the residential areas with it's flooding and strong winds. Wish us luck, ya'll. I'm outta here.

[ TheSaga | 5:20 AM | 4 Newton-meters ]

Friday, August 26, 2005

A Particular Turn Off In Some Women

"My daddy spoiled me. He taught me to find a man that would take his place in taking care of me." Did this gorgeous (and I do mean GORGEOUS), feminine creature think I was going to be impressed by this? Gimme a fuckin break, meng.


This girl literally would have been one of the most beautiful women I'd ever dated. She had a body like DAMN!!! She had a face like "siiiiigh". I mean when we walked into a daiquiris shop, I overheard a group of girls tell each other how pretty this girl was; they didn't even hate on her. That's how fine she was. Homegirl was even handling her education so she was going to have her own money. Problem was that she had the mentality "My money is MY money, your money is OUR money" when it came to a deep commitment. I wasn't having that. FUCK that. So, some days after our first date she called me and invited me to bring my son to her son's birthday party. I told her I'd see and didn't go. I had to cancel this girl; it was that much of a turn off. It sucked too cuz like I said before, this girl would have been one of THE most beautiful women I had ever dated. I mean damn, every now and then I still think of how fine she looked.


We spoke a few times on the phone after our date and she told me that she'd even told her dad about me. **She had a history of dating wannabe drug dealers and shit but noticed that they weren't going anywhere, not even in the game, so like many women, she dropped the bad boy shit and started looking for a man that had his shit together** Her dad was like, "You're going out with another one of those nobodies?" and she was like, "No daaad, he's an engineer." She'd told her friends about me and all that shit. I mean she sounded proud to have a professional nigga. I got to admit, as shallow as this sounds, it would have felt damn good to have such a fine woman diggin me, man. She surely was something to show off. **Don't jump all over my back about this though cuz all yall know damn well that sometimes someone's looks consumes yall like that. This girl was definitely good reason for such consumption.**


It was a shame that she thought like this. I mean, had we gotten to know each other more I feel that I could have influenced her to think more independently from this "spoilage" but I ain't up to working on changing anybody. Besides, when it came down to the core, she's still the same woman. It surely was a shame though.

[ TheSaga | 1:20 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Commitment.... YUK!!!!

**Warning: Venting ahead**


Ya know, I'm reading so many god-damn posts regarding cheating and shit, and having so many conversations with friends regarding that shit, and hearing so many horror stories of people cheatin in marriages and in relationships and how foul muthafuckas are, that I just get deterred from commitment. Now, I never really plan to commit so when I say deterred, I mean that I am actually starting to hate the fucking idea of the shit. It's just erkin' me!!!


Ya know what I keep hearing from women close to my age? "I'll admit I've cheated before." I hear that shit left and right. Most claim to have learned their fuckin lesson and shit but honestly, give me a fuckin break. You broke once, your ass may break again under the right circumstances. I really don't see why anyone has to cheat; just LEAVE THE FUCKIN RELATIONSHIP!!! What the fuck is so hard about that? Why do men and women want it all, relationship and side ass? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SINGLE AND FUCKIN YOUR DICK/PUSSY OFF!!! Why are you afraid to leave the relationship? Why betray someone instead? You're the muthafucka that's gonna look like a hoe, period.


Man, if a woman wants to deal with me and she's cheated before, FUCK THAT!!! You can challenge my mind with great intellect, go out on dates with me, fuck me and shit but don't ever think you'll be able to claim me, you're a fuckin cheater.


Then again, from what I've been exposed to, I tend to look at women (people in general, really) as cheaters or potential cheaters. You can say that that's because they are the only kind of women I've surrounded myself with but these were NORMAL women, like you, like your fuckin female friends, etc. Everyday fuckin women, man!!! so clip that explanation.


Besides, commitment is BOOORRIIIIIING. Every married couple I know complains about that from time to time (including myself when I was married) then they have to deal with each other's bullshit when they get home after a long day's work. I mean, I can almost understand why people want to venture out. I'm not only scared that I'll be betrayed one day, I'm actually scared that I'll be so bored or tired from putting in all that work into the marriage that I'LL eventually cheat. Seriously, I think I'll be driven to that shit if I commit. **Damn, I've never really typed that shit out loud before... I'm starting to see that it's not only women I don't trust, it's also myself** Any-fuckin-way, that commitment shit ain't for me. I can admit that. What's erkin' me is that muthafuckas keep telling me, "Well, I can respect that, and if I want a commitment you should respect that." No shit, I should respect that... except that that statement is coming from a fuckin cheater. Why don't you just admit that shit too?? In fact, why don't MOST (<-- read the statistics) people admit it??

[ TheSaga | 2:53 PM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Sex Was The Answer

In looking back at almost all my previous relationships, I've usually been the one that broke it off, not always but almost. I did it because I wanted more; I wanted to date more, meet more people, even hoe around some. That's actually pretty normal for a young kat but I wonder how much of that hoing around was linked to low self esteem.


Sex made me feel like I looked good when I felt ugly so I did it as much as possible. This has made me wonder how many "unattractive" people (I put it in quotations because in my opinion looks are simply a matter of taste; plus, i hate to judge someone as unattractive... who the fuck am I to call someone that?), women in particular, have sex just to validate themselves. I find that a lot of women who are overweight sacrifice more for a man than women who can get pretty much whoever they want. This shit bothers me a little bit because, having been in the "ugly" category, I don't like to see someone sacrifice their spirit and bodies just to be made to feel worthy. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't worry about it. It's not like I can really do anything about it... but I wish I could.

[ TheSaga | 10:26 AM | 1 Newton-meters ]

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

From The Chronicles

I've stated in the past that I've started a journal for my sons for when they go off to college. I'm including things that are happening right now and life lessons. Wanna read an excerpt?


I said earlier not to make girls your enemy. Typically, our enemies are people that we don't like. If you don't like girls, then you should be gay and since you're not gay, you shouldn't have them as your enemies. It's only logical, right? A woman is the other half of a man. Man can't go on without her, so treat her well; be a man. Don't try to impress your guy friends by hooking up with girls and then talking about them to your friends because that exploits the woman. As a man, your job is to impress a woman, not some punk ass dude, come on now. Your goal as a straight man should be to gain the respect of a woman.


Now, I know what you're thinking. There are women out there that are money hungry, that use you, that cheat, lie, steal, etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. You just got to be up on your game so you can recognize their bullshit and avoid them broads. You have to recognize when a girl is using you. If she keeps asking for money or rides everywhere and you find yourself doing a lot more for her than she's doing for you then cancel her, homie. And as far as cheaters, getting even with a chick that plays you or trying to conquer a player chick is just not worth your time. You need to invest that time and energy into someone that's worth your time, someone that gives you the attention that you deserve as a good man. What will you get out of a chick that is just about games or a chick that isn't willing to invest the same energy that you're investing in her? Nothing, trust me. I've done all that noise and it's been the biggest waste of time. Messing around with girls like that will just make you look bad. Again, your goal as a man is to look good in the eyes of women, good women. All those broads that try playing you, forget about them and keep being the best man that you can be. Nothing gets to a woman more than seeing another woman happier because she's got her a good catch, believe that... and it'll make you feel damn good knowing that you're that catch. It'll make the game player regret that she ever let you go. I've been there too. Besides, if you turn out to be the kind of guy that plays games those women will say "good" to having gotten rid of you; you really want to go out like that? Forget about it.


Now, I know yall may think the talk is a bit tough with some cursing but these will be men off to college by the time they get this. They should be able to handle it and it'll probably be more on their level if I talk to them like men. I'll be teaching them these life lessons as they're growing up but this will act as reinforcement... plus it'll show them how much I love them :o)

[ TheSaga | 12:38 PM | 1 Newton-meters ]

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The Day I Felt The Purest Love

**I think I've written about this on Mechanismz a looong time ago, but here we go again**

I remember that day vividly. My older son was actually about 3 months old. The beauty of fatherhood was taking forever to set in. All I'd felt up until this day was frustration from working more, having to squeeze studying into my cramped schedule, and from lack of any social life. Well, on this day it was just him and me. My son was in his swinger crying and I was on the internet downloading tunes. One of the songs I'd downloaded was Edwin McCain's I Could Not Ask For More. Anyway, he'd started crying and I just rolled my eyes as frustration started to set in. I decided to just pick him up and see if he'd stop crying. He didn't stop immediately as I sat back down at the computer with him in my arms. I put on this particular song, I Could Not Ask For More, and he stopped crying as his dark eyes connected with mine. They went through me like a laser.


I can't describe what happened but it was so magical. At this moment my life had all the meaning in the world. At this moment money didn't matter... nothing material mattered. The only thing I felt was true, unconditional love. This little baby boy didn't care that I was a nobody in the working world, that I was "just a taxi driver", years away from my degree. He didn't care that I couldn't supply him with gifts. He didn't care that we lived in a run down neighborhood with hardly any furniture. He didn't care what I looked like. He didn't care about anything, I mean ANYTHING, as long as I was there to hold him, as long as I was there for him, as long as I was there to show him love, nothing else. He didn't want anything other than that, love. It happened so quickly, so suddenly and so drastically... I couldn't help but to change who I was from this point on. I couldn't help but to lay down my gun, I couldn't help but to stop selling drugs on the side, I couldn't help but to think before making a stupid move, for I had him now... a God given gift. He was the proof of God's existence I'd needed all my life. (I know that my faith has been shaky, but at least I've always known of His existence. There's no doubt in my mind about that.)


We just looked at each other for what felt like an eternity as the song played:


Looking in your eyes, Seeing all I need
Everything you are, Is everything to me
These are the moments, I know heaven must exist
These are the moments, I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for, And I could not ask for more.
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment, Is right where I meant to be
Here with you, Here with me...

I could not ask for more than the love you give me, 'cuz it's all I've waited for
. . .And I could not ask for more

[ TheSaga | 5:25 PM | 1 Newton-meters ]

She's Been Found... R.I.P.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about a woman who was half Black and half Latina who didn't get any press coverage regarding her dissappearance, most likely because of her race. She was found slain. Turns out her boyfriend did it. Authorities don't know why yet. Sucks though, man. She was 5 months pregnant.

[ TheSaga | 4:35 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I'm Making This Vow

When I look at you I can't help but to cry inside. I don't know if I cry because I feel sorry for you, seeing you with all those wires going into your little body, or if it's because I'm so happy that you've come into my life. I have to hold the tears in while I'm at the hospital but when I get in the car I think about how you just held my finger, how I rubbed your newborn skin, how we looked into each other's eyes, how you smiled in your sleep, how you stopped crying when I placed my hand over your little 3 pound body... and I begin to cry. I love you, I swear to you, I love you more than anything. I love you more than life itself. These tears are a man's tears and I shed them proudly because this is what defines a man, not sports, not physical strength, not looks, and surely not money. My love for you defines me as a man, a strong man. My love for you is stronger than any steel, it's harder than any diamond, it's rarer than gold, and more precious than any jewel; it's the compass that will guide me in life. Because I love you so much, I'm making a vow...


I vow to always be here for you when you need someone to lean on.
I vow to always protect you when you can't defend yourself.
I vow to always be there when you need help with your homework.
I vow to show you everything I've learned in life and more.
I vow to be the best role model I can be for you.
I vow to be the shoulder you need to cry on when something weighs heavy on your mind.
I vow to listen... and to give advice when you need it.
I vow to live my life because you need me... and if need be to give my life to make sure you live.
I vow to sacrifice my happiness to ensure your welfare.
I promise I'll always love you like a man is supposed to.
Just look over your shoulder and I'll be there.

[ TheSaga | 8:20 PM | 1 Newton-meters ]

No Rest For The Weary

Damn I'm tired. I think everything is finally starting to set in: the baby, his mom's bad condition, this change in my life...


I can't seem to escape this right now. I can't even fantasize my way out of this world. Normally I think back to better days or think of good ones that are to come... but my mind is blank right now. It's probably because things are so uncertain. I don't know what the immediate future holds. I might be raising this kid on my own for all I know. My new son's mom is doing better but she still could have long term negative effects. We just have to wait and see.


Anyway, I'm so sleepy right now. I've been going to the hospital every chance I've had. No gym, little guitar playing, no dates... just hanging with some family. Nothing takes all of this out of my mind though. It's there to stay until everything has settled. Until then I'm left to wonder: Where will life take me now?


The changes are starting to scare me a bit but not much. I know that I can handle anything that's thrown at me but it's just that life was going so well before all of this happened. Everything was going so smoothly. I don't know. Maybe I'm jus tired. I haven't slept much these past few nights and I've had a lot on my mind.

[ TheSaga | 2:56 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Monday, August 15, 2005

Are You Showing Yourself To Me?

Her body's taken a beating from this pregnancy. She went into labor a month and a half early; she was forced to because she had a couple of seizures early this morning. The sun is going down and she's still affected from the seizures. She doesn't know what's going on around her. She doesn't even know her baby's been born. She doesn't know she's had the C-section. All she does is lay there, throwing her arms in the air, trying to move around in her bed without any knowledge of what's going on around her.


The baby weighs 3 lbs and is actually doing fine. They're going to keep him in the hospital for 6-8 weeks for observation then let him come home. They really think he'll be okay. I'm worried for him all the same though. I'm especially worried about her though. Why hasn't she come out of her combative trance? Why hasn't she woken from her seizure induced sleep? Why is she swinging her arms like that? Why is she being so physical? I have to hurry back to the hospital soon. Man... I'm scared here...


My faith has been shaky. Are You showing yourself to me? Are You punishing me? What are Your intentions here? I almost want to pray, I'm so desperate... I want to believe that You'll come through for us. Will You? Will You take pity on me even though I've cursed You? Will You believe me when I say I'm sorry? Well, either way... I'm sorry. If You're here for me or not, if I have to make it on my own or with Your help, if You leave my newborn baby motherless, either way You decide things should be, I'm sorry. I rid myself of my anger towards You. I'm sorry.

[ TheSaga | 5:29 PM | 4 Newton-meters ]

Sunday, August 14, 2005

My Dad And His Grandson

My dad and I weren't very close when I was growing up. He'd pick me up most weekends and I'd stay by him but we just didn't interact much. I never saw him as "The MAN" because he was always precautious about everything he did and I hated that. I looked at harder men, like my uncles, as the MEN.

I used to hate that I wasn't that close to my parents because I'd see other kids interact with their parents so sociably and as parent and child at the same time. I never really felt like I could go to my parents for anything... still don't.

Anyway, my dad is leaving for Honduras for a few months so I figured I take my son to go see him before he left. We don't go there often but we do pass by and visit from time to time and every time I go with lil man, he never wants to leave. I end up just leaving him there a few hours while I go visit a friend in the uptown area. I don't know what it is that makes lil man want to stay there. I mean, all he ever does is watch TV and play with some toys. My dad hasn't even learned how to make sense of everything his grandson is saying... but they still connect. I won't complain because in all honesty I love the fact that my son is connected with his "gran-pa". I just wonder what it is that attracts my son to staying over there so much.

In a twisted way, I'm glad that my father and I didn't get that close when I was growing up because it's made me appreciate this connection they share so much more. I think we could have somehow had the best of bothworlds if my dad would have tried more but in all honesty, I don't want to think about that. I just want my son to endulge in whatever it is he has with my dad.

[ TheSaga | 4:25 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

A Bitter Taste

I spoke to this cutie chica last night for what seemed like 2 hours or maybe more. We had great conversation on the phone. She's in the Atlanta area. Anyway, it turns out that we've both been married and divorced. She's been divorced longer than me by about a year or so but I'd been married longer. We also divorced for different reasons; she'd messed up.


Anyway, we got into talking about relationships and she said "You sound like me about a year ago" in which she didn't want to have anything to do with relationships. She said that back then she was very bitter. So, I admitted it: I'm still bitter. I'm bitter because I felt betrayed back then and even though I have no feelings for my ex-wife, I guess I still feel the betrayal. I'm also bitter because of the countless women I'm meeting that have been married for years and are cheating. I actually like hearing their stories because of how trife they are, but at the same time it has killed my vision of a happy marriage. It's like I'm surrounding myself by that kind of betrayal. I could just stop talking to women that do that but then again, I'd have to stop talking to A LOT of women, and at the same time I'd feel like I'm turning my back on the truth of how things are. I'm starting to think that humans just weren't made to be monogamous.


Anyway, she's at the point now that if she gets into a relationship, cool; if not then that's just as cool. She feels balanced either way. The thing is (and it may be stupid) I don't want that balance. I want to stay against having a relationship, for myself of course. I want to stay this way because I think I'll be happier this way. Let me guess what you're thinking: "You won't really be happy. You have to have someone in your life." Guess what, no I don't. There is nothing special about a relationship. I'm always asked "But won't that get old?" and I always respond with, "Won't a relationship? How many people do you know that are bored as hell in a comitted relationship?" I'm sure it's a lot. Either way, we as humans get bored. We get bored of dating and having no stability, and we get bored of having a monotonous life and waking to the same person day in, day out for years and years. We.JUST.GET.BORED which ends up causing a multitude of emotional problems and knowing from experience, I'd rather deal with the problems I'll have as a single guy. I mean, I've been in both situations before. I know the problems that arise in a marriage and in solitude and solitude has always offered me more peace. I don't know... it's a crazy situation.

[ TheSaga | 12:17 PM | 4 Newton-meters ]

Monday, August 08, 2005

Then again.... (continued from Careers)

... life is an adventure. Let me just apply for new gigs and see where life takes me. If it's the poor house, then so be it.

[ TheSaga | 12:19 PM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Careers

Ya know, I used to think that if I got a degree and got a job in my line of work, that it would all be downhill from there. I figured all I'd have to do is establish myself as an engineer and keep working up that ladder; I wouldn't have to worry about what I want to do anymore. BIG misconception.


It turns out that in college (for me, at least) it's easy to determe what you want to do because all you have to do is determine a general field and major in it. That's it, plain and simple. Yeah, you have to figure out what you want to do, but that's a general decision. Once you graduate you have to look into all the millions of subcategories in your soon to be line of work and choose it. Once you've chosen it, you have to be sure that that's what you want to do because you've got to start working on getting your 5 years of experience in that field in order to be valuable. Once you've got your 5 years of experience, you're pretty much locked in that field. It's hard as hell switching to a different subcategoried field after those 5 years because all of your experience is in a field that isn't quite the same as the new job you might want to try out. Also, once you start your first 5 years of experience, you can't just move around in your career because you don't like it because that will make you look very unstable, which can cost you job opportunities. You have to just chose one and start on it, period.


Well, I'm at that point where I've got 2 years of experience in a subcategory of engineering that I don't like and I'm having a hard time just getting someone to look at my damn resume. Currently I'm a petroleum engineer but I want to go into mechanical engineering, which is what I got my degree in. Now, if I make the switch I'll be taking a pay cut. It could just be $2,000 a year, which is okay, or $8,000 a year, which I can't afford to do. On top of that, if I'm still at my current job by next year, my salary will increase by another 5 g's, making it even more difficult to switch because of the difference in pay scales, after all, if a company that is interviewing you doesn't think it can match your salary, your odds of getting that job are lessened because they'll view you as over-valued or over-qualified. I don't know what to do but I'm starting to become a bit frustrated, not because I can't get too many mechanical engineering firms to look at my resume, but because I don't know what field of mechanical engineering I should go into. Should I go into design, manufacturing, material research, efficiency costs analysis, etc, etc, etc. The list is endless. On top of that, let's say I go into manufacturing, do I want to go into ship building, aeronautics, pumps, oil and gas, heating and ventilation, heat exchange, etc, etc, etc?... yet another subcategory. THEN, you have to find a job in that industry, which isn't all that great for engineers. In this day and age it's pretty much take what you can get, which means there are tons of engineers out there that wouldn't mind switching jobs with other engineers but they can't because they're locked in their field of work by their experience. On top of all of this, my location's job industry consists mostly of the oil and natural gas business, which we all know is quickly depleting its resources, so will I have a job in a few decades? I'd move but I can't because I have a son I have to be close to, so I'm limited to the dirty south... and I do mean dirty. Frustrating, no?


So... here I am, on a time constraint because of an up coming pay raise (which I won't complain about, trust me!! but the time constraint sucks), with restricted option, and a constraint on my ability to move. I've been trying to think of a solution to all of this but for months I've been stumped. There are things I'm going to have to sacrifice... but I don't know which ones. I think I'm going to just apply for jobs and whatever job takes me, I'll make whatever sacrifice necessary. The problem is that since my experience is in the oil industry I may have to stay in that field and the sacrifice may be that I'll have an unstable career, after all, oil companies are notorious with big lay offs that usually last months... even up to a year or a little more. Is that lack of security really worth it?

[ TheSaga | 11:38 AM | 1 Newton-meters ]

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Match Maker

Towards the bottom if this blog's post, it says I trust God, referring to trusting in God that He'll send you the person that's meant for you...


I hate to say it but I don't know if I can say that anymore... actually, I know I can't say that anymore. It's not because I don't "trust" God, it's because I don't trust my instinct in who God will send me. You can say "You'll know" but trust me, I won't. I won't because I thought I had that in my ex-wife. I literally thought that God had put us together. I thought, "Of all the women that could have gotten pregnant (trust me, there were PLENTY), she was the one. She's the one having my child. I'm old enough, I have a good future, I'm mature enough, she's a good woman... He's sent her to me. It's time I settle down." We got married and I was happy for a few years... stressed, but happy. Then she left. Unless you've been there, you can't imagine what it must feel like to think this about the person you've married, be happy, and then suddenly have that person you thought was God given just leave. Trust me, it was a bitch to deal with; it was enough to shake that trust that someone may be God given. So... I'll let God do His thing (as long as it's not match-making) and I'll do mine.

[ TheSaga | 11:58 AM | 0 Newton-meters ]

I Want To Experience a Different Place

I want to get out of here... and not just a short vacation either...


I want to move to Miami. I want to go where the Caribbean breeze blows across my skin. I want to feel the hot sun and the warm Atlantic currents. I want to feast my eyes upon the city's neon glow. I want to see Ferraris and Lamborghinis and bikini bodies. I want to hear Spanish and Caribbean dialects and accents all around me. I want to experience the nightlife and dance the night away to salsa, merengue, reggae, and other island rhythms. I want to drive along Miami's smooth highways and bridges, embraced by tropical scenery and Mediterranean architecture. I want to eat exotic foods from different islands. I want to experience this culture. I want to experience this Caribbean Rome.

I want to move to Atlanta. I want to go to where there's progress. I want to be surrounded by minorities advancing in life. I want to hear their intellect, their life stories, and everything they've experienced on their road to progression. I want to go to upscale clubs and bars and mingle. I want to eat soul food, red beans and rice with con' bread, pork chops, and red Kool Aid. I want to go to where there are jobs for the college educated and see them pressing upward through the corporate American ladder like the elevators in skyscraper buildings. I want to go where big business goes and where big business parties with its urban hip hop sounds. I want to see the advancing metropolis with its well lit buildings against a clear evening sky, and its gorgeous ebony women in their business suits; I want to hear their intriguing stories and share mine with them. I want to experience this American Mecca.




I want to move to New York City. I want to experience the big city life. I want to ride the subway trains and sit next to strangers who each have their own personal story... but never share it with their riding neighbor. I want to walk the concrete sidewalks and act like I have someplace to go. I want to hear the hustles on the streets, the different languages spoken by people from across the world, and the different New Yawk accents. I want to hear the screaming of the subway rails and underground hip hop. I want to see the mixture of the run down slums and the priviledged upper class. I want to look at beautiful Black, Russian, Italian, Puerto Rican, and Dominican women dressed in the latest street gear, sexy as hell, talkin' their talk with their feisty attitudes. I want to experience this Urban Jungle.



I want to move to Houston. I want to be able to look up at any time and see tall, mirrored buildings amongst trees. I want to see business suits and cowboy hats walking to their respective jobs. I want to hear the Tejano music that I hate so much and southern rap emerge from passing lowriders. I want to listen to Texan and Tejano accents, with a little bit of Spanglish in the mix. I want to see the culture clash of Blacks and Mexicans... and claim Honduran proudly among the two. I want to experience this city's raving nightlife. I want to be able to speak with a beautiful Mexican empress and a ravishing Ebony queen. I want to experience this City of the Sun.





I want to get out of New Orleans...

[ TheSaga | 6:18 AM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I Feel Something Taking Over Me

It's positivity. Something I've not felt in a LOOOOOONG time. I don't know what it is but I'm starting to feel that love of life feeling. I've fought it for months because I didn't want to feel like a sucka. **For some reason I look at all that positivity as sickening... like when you see 2 people acting all lovey dovey and shit, ya know what I'm talking about?** It's also a way that I protect myself from falling. After all, how can I fall if I'm already at the bottom.


Anyway, this shit is feeling good. (Sigh) I've missed it. It's like a drug taking over me. I've been depending on sex, weed, and alcohol to bring me back up from my dismal feeling. I've been down for so long it's such a relief to feel this, I swear. I don't know how long it will last, but I hope it's for a long time. I need this. I mean, my views on relationships is still negative but at least I can be a better person to be around, ya know? At least I can still feel good about life in general versus feeling like it has no purpose.


Now maybe my posts will have more positive stories. If they don't however, it's because I'm writing what I feel; after all, this is my therapy.

[ TheSaga | 1:54 PM | 4 Newton-meters ]

Changing Times Through Media

I was looking around the net and came across an article regarding Dove's new ad campaign. It's showing real women, not supermodel sized women. It's embracing curves and natural beauty. Want to see the ad? Click here.

Personally, I'm actually proud of Dove for doing this. For... ever, ads have been full of super thin women and it's always made me wonder how it's affected many women's self esteems and overall attitudes of themselves. I really hate to see someone hating who they are because of the way they look, mostly because I've been there myself, especially since I've met many women who were voluptuous and attractive and were overall GREAT people. Anyway, I hope the ad works out in Dove's best interest. This may spark a new way of campaigning which could eventually make a positive social change.

[ TheSaga | 12:45 PM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Monday, August 01, 2005

I Can't Say I'm Sorry

With all the shit I've dealt with lately, I've cracked numerous times. I've cursed God so much. I've completely turned my back on his plan. I don't believe that He can help me or that He even wants to. I've lost faith. I don't curse Him that much anymore but I truly believe that He doesn't give a fuck about us down here. The thing is, I know it's wrong for me to feel this way and to say and even think the things I've thought. I want to say I'm sorry... but I can't. I can't because I don't think He cares about our lives here on Earth.

[ TheSaga | 8:16 AM | 1 Newton-meters ]