Wednesday, June 29, 2005

It Has To Mean Something

I'm realizing that whatever I have accomplished in life doesn't mean much to me. My degree, the sacrifices I made to get my education, my house, my car, my street life experiences and all the things I've seen... nothing matters. I don't know why but I'm not satisfied. My problems still overwhelm me and I don't have anything positive to think about to help me look on a brighter note. Is it that I am just ungrateful or do my accomplishments just get old? Could it be that everything in my life gets old? Damn... I'm starting to believe that. Maybe it's because new problems always arise but new accomplishments don't. It's a disproportional balance and more bullshit comes than happy moments. It's like I have to constantly prove me to myself with something new, a new accomplishment. But the thing is I have to prove it to both sides of me. I have to be a hard muthafucka for guy #2 and a successful professional for guy #1. It's a muthafucka, I tells ya. Could it be that one's accomplishments are belittled by the other? This could very well be because I sometimes look down on the street side of me and other days I look down on the professional side for being so... I don't know, I guess "pussified" would be the best word for it.


Plus, I never seem to be able to go a prolonged amount of time to just marinate over all these accomplishments. All I get are major problems to drown them out. What the fuck, man? Can a nigga just get some peace, please? I don't know, maybe I just don't have enough of a good time to escape my issues. Maybe I need to go out more. I just need to find something or do something BIG. Whatever it is, it has to mean something and that meaning has to last me, it has to define me to myself.

[ TheSaga | 8:04 AM | 4 Newton-meters ]

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Sometimes When You're Down...

... ya never think you're gonna get up again.

[ TheSaga | 9:02 AM | 2 Newton-meters ]

Monday, June 27, 2005

Let It All Go

Ya ever just want to let everything go? I mean fuck paying the bills, fuck work, fuck everything and just walk away from your current life to alleviate yourself of your current problems? What would you do then?


I've wanted to do that shit so often but I know I can't because I have my son to worry about. But what if I could? What would I do? How would I live?


I'd stop giving a fuck about everything. I'd go back to hustlin' and do it HAAARD. I wouldn't worry about finding a good woman to stimulate my mind. I'd live for the flesh. I'd just hook up with them fine ass hood broads, do whatever foul shit I wanted, and deal with their bullshit attitudes afterwards with no remorse. I'd hang in the ghetto streets all afternoon and night. I'd go back to doing gang related shit and instead of walking away I'd use my multiplied strength to crush muthafuckas that pissed me off. I'd drink all I wanted and smoke pine all fuckin' day. I'd let my emotions control my actions, because it feels good to not have to fight your emotions over what you should do.


... I'd go back to being the old me.

[ TheSaga | 1:40 PM | 3 Newton-meters ]

Saturday, June 25, 2005

I've Been Hating

Lately I've been hating on all kind of shit... like relationships, marriage, religion, faith, dreams, positive thinking, etc. It's shit that I've been avoiding. I've been avoiding church and religion, I've been avoiding relationships, commitment to anything, and I'm beginning to wonder if I should even make future plans for anything productive. I've been hating on shit hard.

Anytime someone talks about some shit like hopefully getting married one day, etc, I'm just like "For what?! That shit gets old quick as the fuck. I don't know why people commit. You see the divorce rate? Do you know why it's so high? Because people have a completely unrealistic thought of marriage. They think it's this dream world of always being able to work things out and loving the person after a heated argument. FUCK NO!! Trust me, sometimes you just wanna choke a bitch (husband or wife). And the rate of infidelity (hubby or wifey) as a whole is even greater than the fucking divorce rate, meaning that most likely someone is GOING to cheat and the other won't even know about it."

I've also been reading a shitload of blogs about religion lately. Man, for some reason I'm getting tired of hearing about the fucking "Word". I've lost faith in that shit. Yes, I believe in God; yes, I believe He has control of everything, even me; but NO, I almost NO LONGER believe in praying... or in dreaming and planning in making those dreams come true. Why? Because shit is going to happen anyway. If you've got a gun in your face, that trigger might get pulled either way. It might just be your time to die so just accept that shit. Praying will NOT save you from your fate, so why bother praying? I've recently applied for a new job and did alright in the first interview. Will I get it? Don't know but I won't pray for it. Why? Because if it's meant for me to get it then I will either way. God has a plan so MY plans don't matter worth a damn and if my prayers don't coincide with his plan then there's no chance of my prayers being answered, so why waste my time and His? This pregnancy taught me that shit. I had my life planned out and BOOM a curve ball comes out of nowhere. This was His plan for whatever reason. I have no control over it. I might as well just accept the shit. My plans got deleted, or postponed, or altered; no matter what, I was not in control of this shit. He has complete control. I just have to live with it. My life will go wherever the fuck He wants it to go... it sucks realizing how little control I have over my life...

...or maybe I have more control than I think but my mind is too fucked up to cope... or too fucked up to do what's right.

[ TheSaga | 9:13 PM | 4 Newton-meters ]

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I'm Glad You're Dead

This is going to be hard for me to write about, but after reading something in this Blog, this amazing blog I decided to let this off my chest. I don't know if this will help me get over these feelings but I've held this in for so long...


When I was about 13, I started a new school because I'd moved in with my dad. That school... I hated it. I'd never experienced anything like it. All the kids had nice clothes and shit and they came from "good" homes. I experienced snobs for the first time. Anyway, being an ugly kid I became outcasted rather quickly. (I've blogged about being bullied as a kid before) Anyway, I ended up getting beat up behind something stupid after school one day and the guy who beat me up dropped it after that. One of the guys who was there to witness the ass whipping though had to talk shit the following day at school. I'll call him S. He turned out to be another bully. He didn't pick on me with force but he did talk shit. He was popular with girls, a sports star, and admired by a multitude of the school's population... I hated him. I hated him for fucking with me and because someone who fucked with me was loved by so many... while I, the one who didn't mess with anyone, was overlooked or ridiculed as if everyone but God hated me... sometimes I even wondered about God.


Well, one day he got into it with this kid that was smaller than him. The kid had courage to stand up to him. In fact, the little kid went to S to settle some shit just because they didn't like each other. On a Saturday, the kid was on his bike and saw S outside with some friends. The kid challenged S to a fight. They got into a fight, and S won. The kid got on his bike, rode for two blocks home, got a gun that he'd found in a ditch in the neighborhood, rode back to where S was, and drew a line on the ground and dared S to cross it. S crossed it and the kid took the gun he had hidden in his pants and shot S in the chest, then took off. S died, at the age of 15, while laying on the sidewalk.


I was glad he was killed. He would never talk anymore shit about me or to me. All the smiling faces that would arise when he would enter the room where now tearful... and I was smiling. "Fuck him", I thought, "He deserved it. I'm glad he's dead." I actually looked up to the kid that shot him. I admired him. He stood up to someone that very few people ever stood up to. I wanted to befriend him, and learn from him. He finished the problem of S... and made sure that it would stay gone. Although there were other kids that picked on me, there was now one less kid. During those somber months at my school, I was happy because everyone else was unhappy, because everyone else took their attention off me and placed it on to their loss. I was glad he died... I was glad he died tragically.


I know it's wrong to have thought that... but my thoughts... I don't know... I couldn't control them. I couldn't control how I felt.

[ TheSaga | 10:11 AM | 5 Newton-meters ]

Drop Your Ass Behind Stupid Shit

**I just got my new template to work properly. I don't know why that makes me so excited...but I am.**



Ya know, I can tell I'm not ready for a relationship. Want to know how? I'm a bit unforgiving, I don't have patience, I get fed up with little things easily, etc. I drop girls I'm dating like flies. I stop calling for the littlest things. I just don't have the patience to deal with the little things that people do.



Let me give you an example. I've been dating this woman for about 3 weeks or so. We've spoken on the phone a good bit, gone out a few times, and I've spent the night at her place a couple of times. Anyway, we had lunch at her place the other day and we were sitting pretty close to each other as we spoke. She was talking a bit loud so I told her "Okay baby, I'm right here, okay?" as in saying that she didn't have to be so loud, even though it was a normal tone and volume we were pretty close so she could have lowered her volume a little bit. Well, she got a little defensive about it saying "That's how I talk. You should know that that's how I talk." etc, etc, etc. Now I'm thinking, "Muthafucka, you can still lower your muthafuckin volume, Goddamn!!" I used to be the patient kind of guy where I could forgive that kind of shit but since I'm not, I'm dropping her ass. Don't get your feathers ruffled behind some stupid little shit.



Another example. I was dating this girl who had a figure and complexion that reminded me so much of Ky Toy Johnson (the girl in all the Outkast videos). We got along pretty well and the sex was pretty damn good. However, she didn't like to go down. She would do it but she didn't like to do it often, yet she always asked for me to do so. I would because I like to see a woman satisfied but I'll be damned if I'm not going to get that same respect. Plus, if a woman wants me to stick around, she's got to freak me. I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to sex. I like taking a walk late at night in the city with a girl I'm really digging and if we happen to come across a very secluded spot, I like to do something... you know, something nasty. Maybe I'll get behind her, pull her pants down just a little bit, and go down; or maybe have her go down on me, or maybe go all the way and fuck for a couple of minutes, just to say we've done it, just to be a little adventurous, ya know? Well, if I can't get a little head from a chica in private, how the hell is this chic going to be adventurous? Typically, I'd be a tolerant person and wait for us to work up to something like that but I don't have the patience. I ended up not calling her after kicking it with her for a few months.



Yet another example. I'd met a girl that was very pretty, she had a great career, great drive, great conversation, etc. We seemed to have really clicked. At first we spoke for hours on the phone and would meet for lunch sometimes. Now we hardly speak on the phone. We pretty much just call each other every now and then. Mostly we communicate through email. She's always very flirtatious whenever we speak on the phone or over email. I think that I could probably advance things a little if I put in more effort but to be honest, I don't care to. Fuck chasing after anybody. I don't care how much we click or how much I admire you as a woman, I'm not chasing. I want a woman to chase me just as much. I want the same effort put into me. I want to know that I'm worth that effort also. Before, I used to put that role on me, being the man, the pursuer but now, screw all that shit. I consider myself a valuable person and I'm worth at least a phone call and some pursuit. So, I've pretty much stopped calling her. Whenever she emails me and flirts and talks about us getting together I just tell her, "You got my number. Call whenever you want to hook up." I leave an open door because I would still like to kick it with her but like I said, I'm not going to be the one always pursuing. Fuck that.



There was another chic that showed some interest in me. She told my friend how she thought I looked good and how she thought I was really cool. Considering that this chic was model fine, of course I was going to jump on seeing where this could go. Well, it just so happened that she had an ex that she wasn't completely over. Again, if I would have put in some good, strong effort, I maybe could have taken her mind off of him... but for what? Why should I exert all that effort into a woman who's mind might be on some other guy for the first month or so whenever we're together? Why should I pay for lunches, dinner, movies, etc all the while she's hoping she could be with him? Yeah, in time she may have ended up forgetting about him but again, I shouldn't have to woo someone into digging me from jump. A woman should be interested in me just like I'm interested in her, period. I mean, if I'm a good person aren't I worth it?



Anyway, the lack of interest that I seem to be showing, the lack of patience, the lack of motivation, etc all tell me that I'm just not ready for a relationship. When one wants something, they seek it. They work for it. They deal with the issues that come with what they want. I have absolutely no drive to deal with any of that shit. Yeah, I'm still running a bit hot; I still look at sexy woman and say damn to myself, I still crave their bodies, and most of all, I crave to get to know a great woman's mind but when I think of all the drama that comes with women and all the work I have to put into impressing them, I lose all motivation. I start to wonder if they're putting any effort in getting to know me, in liking me; I begin to think of how I'm the one spending my hard earned money taking them out, when nothing will probably come of it and I just say "Fuck it, this shit ain't worth it."

[ TheSaga | 7:29 AM | 0 Newton-meters ]

Monday, June 13, 2005

On The Bridge I Was Reminded...

After I dropped my son off at his grandmother's house this morning I took a route to work that had me go over a bridge. It's in an area called the Cutoff, in New Orleans. The bridge isn't longer than a mile and it goes up pretty high; it's like a hump in the middle of dull and monotonous flatness. When I got to the very top of the hump I could see almost all of the Metro-New Orleans area. I saw the Westbank (the west side of the Mississippi Bridge) covered by trees. Houses were concealed by a roof of green shrubbery but an occasional home was visible. To my right in the far distance an oil refinery's chimney stacks exhaled smoke or steem, I couldn't tell which. It looked like a giant mechanical metropolis. Not far from the refinery I got a glimpse of the Mississippi as it flowed in it's winding passageway that it has carved over the centuries. Ahead, the horizon was interrupted by the Downtown skyscrapers. They stood tall and bunched up. Our city looked so small in comparison to other well known cities but so large in its isolation. Just before the view of the city I could see the steel structures that connect the west and east banks. These twin bridges' design has them come to a peak; some days when the fog has just the right amount of density, the bridges almost look like the mountains that cut the skies of the Great Northwest. It was quite a sight.

What I saw at the top of the bridge was a glimpse that lasted only a few seconds, but in those few seconds I was in awe at the sight, the entire sight, and the feeling that I got from that glimpse has lasted up until now, hours later.

The feeling? Let me tell you, it's a feeling that I've only had when I've been single and free... free of drama. For a brief time, for just a few seconds I remembered what it was like to have no drama in my life. I remembered how it feels when I feel like everything in my life is exactly where it's supposed to be. I'm talking work, career, money, my social life, my future... everything. I felt free as a bird; this must be what it's like to fly and have nothing hold you down, I mean NOTHING. It's a feeling I've only had when I'm single with no major emotional attachments. Why when I'm single?

Because when I'm single, I can alter things in my life. Life is still just a map that I don't have to reconfigure for anyone else, just me. It's my map and only mine... and having the freedom to change the route, or change the destination is like breathing the freshest air and drinking the freshest water. Nothing can stop me, not even my feelings for anyone.

On top of the bridge I was reminded of what it was like to hold that map, my map... and for those few seconds it felt so good to feel free again.

[ TheSaga | 7:50 AM | 6 Newton-meters ]

Friday, June 10, 2005

DAMN!!!

I'm so high right now.... geeeeeezzzzsv dgasdfsd

[ TheSaga | 11:37 AM | 5 Newton-meters ]

I'm Not Giving Up...

... on my project car, that is. Fuck it, if I have to wait 10 more years to build that muthafucka I will. I'm on Ebay looking at Civics left and right and I'm realizing that I can't give up. Even if I don't get to indulge in my youth with this car, it's a matter of principle. There's "principalities" involved here!!!

So, the type of Civic that I want is getting pricey for what it's worth as far as a stock car (due to the demand) so what I'm going to do is get one that is stock in looks but has a racing engine already in it. It's going to cost more but hell with it. The car is getting too old (92-95) and if I buy one with a stock engine the miles will be sky high and I'll have to replace the engine anyway, so I might as well get one with a racing engine in it. I'm changing my plans a little bit but I think I'll benefit from it anyway. I always wanted to get a fast engine in it, even though I never planned on racing it. Just having that extra power will be nice. Now I have to figure out a new budget for it. It's probably going to cost me an additional 3 G's so I might end up paying close to 13 thousand by the time it's all done. It's cool though. If I'm going to be forced to wait I might as well make bigger plans.

[ TheSaga | 6:44 AM | 0 Newton-meters ]