Wednesday, July 20, 2005

As I Wait For The Day... I Plan For Life Or Death

I spoke to my son's mom yesterday and she's decided to get some paperwork started to ensure that she gets some money from me for my son in case the other girl who's going to have my possible kid decides to drain me. I can understand that to be honest. I really can. She wants to make sure that our son is covered in case an outside force messes up the way things are. That's all fine and dandy. What really fucked my head up is that she went to a lawyer to figure out how much she'd be entitled to in case that day ever came. Ya know how much that motherfucker told her? $700-$800 a month. In other words, I'd have to sell my fuckin house and go back to the God damn ghetto while being a fucking engineer. An engineer in the fuckin ghetto, can you believe that shit? A degreed, mechanical engineer who sacrificed 6 years of his livelihood to advance in life, living amidst the crime that he worked so hard to get out of. I mean I sacrificed. I sacrificed more than most of my college peers, in my opinion, to get where I am; believe that shit.


But what really, really fucked with me was that my son's mother told me how some of her people, friends and family, told her, "I don't know why you didn't put him on it a long time ago." Want to know why? Because I wouldn't have been able to afford it, muthafuckas!!!! I would have been forced to live a 'hood where my son would literally fear for his fuckin life. Right now I'm strapped for money because of school loans mostly, but also because I don't make that much. Somehow the law figures that's okay though; I should still go bankrupt according to them.


Now, I take damn good care of my son. Why would she need that much money a month? I have him the same amount of time she does, meaning we incur the SAME amount of costs on him. I have to feed him just as much as her, I have to clothe him just as much, entertain him as much, etc... but she deserves damn near a thousand dollars a month? IF she had him ALL the time, I'd understand it more because she'd have to pay for EVERYTHING... but she doesn't. So, my question is if I have to give her all that money, what am I supposed to raise him with if he's with me all of that time? How am I supposed to clothe him, feed him... shit, feed myself??!!! I mean, currently I take on more of his financial expenses anyway because I make more than her... but of course, she would need MORE according to the courts.


She's not struggling. She's got a damn good job. She doesn't make as much as I do but she makes a lot more than my mom made when she raised me and trust me, she can make a good living with what she makes, especially since I already take on most of my son's expenses.


She asked to leave our marriage, so I let her ass go with little drama. If you leave a marriage because you want to party and shit then you SHOULD.SUPPORT.YOURSELF. I'll take care of my son, don't worry about him, but you live YOUR personal life with YOUR money. I'll live my life with mine AND I'll take care of my lil man. Do you really think she'd spend $800 a month on our son? He doesn't have that many expenses, especially since I'm taking on my share of them. So basically, I'd have to pay her the $800 and STILL be expected to take on all the expenses that I take on when I'm with him. Like I said, I can't afford that. Now, is that fair? But you know what the courts would say? "That's your problem. Pay it." I've seen it happen.


Would it be fair that I lose my house? No, but that's my problem. Would it be fair that my relationship with my son would suffer because I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of him while he's with me? No, but that's my problem. Would it be fair that she'd be able to buy a new car with all that fuckin money while my credit was ruined because of her? No, but that's my problem.


I take damn good care of my son. What more does the fuckin system want? The fact is that the system doesn't give a good God damn about me or my kid or the bond that we share or that I already pay most of his expenses, because to the court it's not enough; it demands MORE. It wouldn't give a fuck if a woman spent all that money on herself, only that the man kept paying. If not, then his ass is going to jail. I've seen that shit happen too. All the system gives a fuck about is being right, is slamming its bloody, iron fist down, and laying down the law that it has established. I've read about how a man stated to the judge that he's done as much as he can do while living impoverished by the judgment, so what more can he do? The judge answered, "Well, I suggest you file for bankruptcy." And I'm supposed to believe in this fuckin system? As far as I'm concerned it's my fuckin enemy.


When I see a muthafucka like me, who is doing all he can do for his kid, taken advantage of by the kid's mom and the courts, it literally makes me regret having had a kid with a woman. It makes me regret parenthood. It makes me hate relationships with women with the deepest passion, so deep that it turns my soul BLACK, so deep that it makes me wonder what good is there in this world if I've worked so hard to escape poverty JUST to be placed right back by other people, by spiteful, vain people?


A stupid muthafucka can tell me "Nobody said life was fair," but that doesn't mean that I have to be either. IF some foul shit like this happens and I'm brought right back into poverty despite everything I've worked so hard for, the world had better watch out... because I'll retaliate in a tremendous and terrible way. For months now, every day that I've woken up, I've woken up caring less and less for life. Once everything is taken from me there will be no limit to what I can do to those who've brought me down. For now, all I can do is wait for the day to see what happens... and as I wait, I plan for life... or for death.

[ TheSaga | 3:10 PM | ]