Monday, July 25, 2005

Growth

Lately I've not been growing at all. I've not been reading, I've not been talking much about shit that matters (intellectual convo), I've not been trying to seek more wisdom, shit, I haven't even been blogging much. I've just been sitting on idle. On top of that, life is having less and less meaning.


I think it's because I'm so overwhelmed by the problems with my son's mom and shit that all growth has paused. I curse a lot more, I think unenthusiastically, and I stay to myself a lot. I'm barely enjoying life, thinking that everything that I've worked hard for will be taken from me.


I remember when I was a kid doing my thing, I had to look over my shoulder so much I never really thought I'd live to be 18... then 21... then 25. Once I was reaching 23 or 24 I kinda developed some hope for life because I saw myself stepping out of the game completely eventually; I'd matured and saw a life outside of the streets. Now that I'm at the base of success, and looking to climb up the ladder, I have this terrible fear that it's going to be taken from me and I'll be left with nothing again. I can look at a tremendous downfall as just a downfall and get to working on attaining success again but it's been such a bitch coming out of the game that I won't think it's worth it. I view life as so limited and I don't want to spend my entire life performing the same work over and over again just to have it taken from me repeatedly. Plus, I still haven't been able to rid myself of those thoughts I always had as a kid of being run up on and being capped off by somebody. Could it be that I'm stuck in a mindset that someone's out to get me?


The reason I think my time is so limited is because I have lived for my son since day one and I don't want to spend all my life chasing success when he's my main priority. I want to reach success the first time around and stay there so I can give him all the things I never had, like a great education, a nurturing environment, experiencing different cultures through travelling, etc. I don't want to spoil him with all kinds of material things but with knowledge. I mean, I go to this expensive high class gym (I get a huge discount cuz of my job) and I see all the priviledged white kids and shit and I want my son to have all the opportunities they have. Most of all though, I want to be there for him so I can teach him EVERYTHING I've learned in life. So it's like I want to give him priviledge AND knowledge at the same time and it's hard if I'm working all the damn time, chasing the benefit of priviledge.


On top of all this, my dreams and aspirations are jumbled right now. What the FUCK do I WANT?!!! Money or experience? Right now I'm at a crossroads over these two. Switch jobs and stay in my line of work and make about $15,000 more than I'm making right now or go down about $2-4 g's and get the experience I really want and start all over again with experience. It'll set me back about 2 years with work experience but I'll be doing more of what I want to do, and it'll set me back about 4-5 years back financially. Hmmm.... quite a dilemma I tells ya.


Anyway, back to growth. I think it's just fear that's hindering my growth. When I spoke to X-girl a few days back, we spoke about this and she told me straight up to quit worrying about a potential failure that hasn't even happened and to just make my move. So... it's time to overcome something new: Fear. Let's start by looking for a new job, shall we? I'm tired of the one I've got. Monster.com... here I come.

[ TheSaga | 12:51 PM | ]