Tuesday, August 09, 2005
A Bitter Taste
I spoke to this cutie chica last night for what seemed like 2 hours or maybe more. We had great conversation on the phone. She's in the Atlanta area. Anyway, it turns out that we've both been married and divorced. She's been divorced longer than me by about a year or so but I'd been married longer. We also divorced for different reasons; she'd messed up.
Anyway, we got into talking about relationships and she said "You sound like me about a year ago" in which she didn't want to have anything to do with relationships. She said that back then she was very bitter. So, I admitted it: I'm still bitter. I'm bitter because I felt betrayed back then and even though I have no feelings for my ex-wife, I guess I still feel the betrayal. I'm also bitter because of the countless women I'm meeting that have been married for years and are cheating. I actually like hearing their stories because of how trife they are, but at the same time it has killed my vision of a happy marriage. It's like I'm surrounding myself by that kind of betrayal. I could just stop talking to women that do that but then again, I'd have to stop talking to A LOT of women, and at the same time I'd feel like I'm turning my back on the truth of how things are. I'm starting to think that humans just weren't made to be monogamous.
Anyway, she's at the point now that if she gets into a relationship, cool; if not then that's just as cool. She feels balanced either way. The thing is (and it may be stupid) I don't want that balance. I want to stay against having a relationship, for myself of course. I want to stay this way because I think I'll be happier this way. Let me guess what you're thinking: "You won't really be happy. You have to have someone in your life." Guess what, no I don't. There is nothing special about a relationship. I'm always asked "But won't that get old?" and I always respond with, "Won't a relationship? How many people do you know that are bored as hell in a comitted relationship?" I'm sure it's a lot. Either way, we as humans get bored. We get bored of dating and having no stability, and we get bored of having a monotonous life and waking to the same person day in, day out for years and years. We.JUST.GET.BORED which ends up causing a multitude of emotional problems and knowing from experience, I'd rather deal with the problems I'll have as a single guy. I mean, I've been in both situations before. I know the problems that arise in a marriage and in solitude and solitude has always offered me more peace. I don't know... it's a crazy situation.
[ TheSaga | 12:17 PM | 
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4 Comments:
I am sort of conflicted on this. As I was reading your analogy I was thinking, well of course if you are constantly going to focus on ALL the people who aren't keeping their marriage vows, you can have a distaste about it. That is like hanging around with convicted killers and saying everyone is prone to kill. The reality is life WON'T be exciting every fucking day. Some days you will get bored to tears, but that can happen in singlehood too. I think for me, it is going to take me growing the fuck up and realizing that I am happy alone, so chances are, I will be happy married, IF I am certain to marry the right person for me. If I am miserable single than I will be miserable married, then make my mate miserable and then we have a miserable existence. Either way, what works for you today could change tomorrow, if not, you just focus on being happy and content with where you are and don't complain when you are lonely or wish you had a connection with someone because you would have actively chosen to NOT have a meaningful relationship with someone based on your prior experiences and the lives of cheating muthafuckas. So I encourage you to seek happiness as an individual and if and when you reach the point where you feel like you can open up to someone, do that, and if not, be content and accept the reality that you have created for yourself. I hope you find someone though, you would be a great partner to the right woman when you shed your preconcieved ideas about everybody out for self. That ain't true.
Diva: the thing is that affairs are happening left and right. everyone is doing it. pastors, business men and women, low class and high class, everyone. it's not that i'm surrounding myself around these particular people, it's that it's hard to find people that aren't doing that shit. read the stats, look at divorce levels, look at how many marriages are unhappy; i see and hear about it all for myself. these outweigh the number of truly happy marriages. and ur right, i will get bored either way BUT when I'm bored and unhappy with being single I find it much easier to deal with than when i was unhappy and bored in a marriage.
i can kind of understand u about being happy in one way of living and that happiness overlapping into the other but i see commitment and single living as two completely different lifestyles, so a bigger part of me cant really comprehend what u mean, ya know? either way, i think that happiness is a state of mind that can be chosen, so either life could result in happiness... but i just dont feel like dealing with such issues. it's too tiring and not worth the energy.
You just SCARED!
smw: quit trippin. i aint scuuuured of nobody!!! ;o)
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