Thursday, July 07, 2005

Old Feelings Taken For Granted

Every now and then I get an old feeling from when I was a kid. The feelings were taken for granted whenever I'd get them but whenever I get a glimpse of them now, I'm reminded of how I took a beautiful part of my life for granted.


The old kid feelings were the yearning for something badly, maybe a skateboard. I remember getting Thrasher Skateboard magazines and looking at tricks that I'd love to learn or look at skateboards that I'd love to order along with parts like wheels or trucks (axles). I'd stare at them for the longest. Another feeling would be a crush on an actress or a singer. I'd look at the picture of that actress or singer on TV Guide covers or magazines while listening to her music and admire every feature on her face along with whatever they were wearing.


The beauty in these feelings is the simplicity that I'm reminded of. I was overwhelmed by the torment that it has masked the times when I was happy but they still existed and they can't be masked completely. I miss them. It feels good to have them resurface sometimes. It's like when you got the toy that you'd prayed for. You looked at pictures of it in advertisements, you'd look for it in the toy isles whenever your mom would take you to KMart, admire the colors, and imagine how you'd play with it. It's like it felt when your birthday was coming up. You looked forward to the birthday cake because you could eat it without having to worry about how fattening, all the games, all the kids that were going to be at your house, all the presents that awaited you. It's like the puppy love you felt when you first laid eyes on someone at school. Out of the corner of your eye you'd pay attention to the way the person dressed, talked, interacted with the other kids, and waved hi and bye to you. You noticed everything about them and talked about them to your friends.


Funny thing is, I see history and those feelings starting to repeat themselves in another part of me: I see my son doing it. He watches Thomas the Tank Engine shows and says, "I want that. I want that... and that," and stares into a poster of Thomas Trains thinking of all the little trains he'd love to have, along with tracks and stations. He carries that poster everywhere. I just stare at him as he lays on the floor on his stomach with his feet in the air, his chin leaning on his hands, looking at the poster, deeply; it's beautiful.


I miss feeling it for myself but as life goes on I look at my son and get new feelings that I know I'll never feel again, so I cherish them. I indulge in them while I still can. I feel like I don't want him to grow up. I want this uncomplicated love that we share to last forever. I know that as he matures so will our connection and we'll act differently towards each other but I love where we stand right now. I love it so much I don't want it to ever end. Shit, some days I think about the day that he's going to leave for college and I damn near start to cry. My little boy will be a man...

[ TheSaga | 11:33 AM | ]