Friday, July 15, 2005

I Think I'm Lost

I hate everything righteous right about now. I love growing intellectually but spiritually I'm dying, hence causing a hatred of sacred shit like marriage, forgiveness, trust, etc.


The fact is all that shit causes one to get played. I also see it as making life boring, especially marriage. I have absolutely no faith in matrimony. When people bring up me and marriage I'm always like, "For what, just to get divorced again?" I expect a divorce... and why shouldn't I? Look at the stats, divorce rate is higher than a successful marriage rate. And what is a "successful" marriage? Did you know that according to infidelity rates, it seems that most marriages have someone cheating, if not both parties? That shit ain't successful to me.


The fact is that no matter how dedicated you are, no matter how hard you work, no matter how hard you love that person and are there for that person, they can STILL cheat on you because something is lacking. It could just be that you've been arguing like all hell for a few weeks or a few months, they'll feel that the "love" is missing (or whatever other factor) and drift off into someone else's arms. Then there's lust that you and your partner have to fight off. Do you really think you're not going to get tired of fucking the same muthafucka for decades and decades? I know I will. That fresh feeling you get when it's someone new will eventually get old and you'll miss that so much. People lose their appeal after years and years and yeeeears of marriage and if you come across someone who is new and sexy in their own way, lust will start to creep in and fuck with your mind and confidence. You'll develop that crush and think about sex with that new attractive person. Of course, you'll have to fight it off... but I find it discouraging that my significant other would have their eyes and mind on someone else. I should feel okay about it because it's human and unavoidable but I can't accept that shit. Those thoughts are the root of infidelity and I don't want that shit to grow. Of course, that's what trust is for, right? But I don't have that trait anymore. I've seen too much bullshit to trust anyone with that much of me.


Yeah, you can say "but it takes work" and all that other bullshit but I've been there. I've worked and sacrificed for a marriage that demanded all of my free time and all of my freedom and that shit was entirely too much of a sacrifice. Why would I want to give that up for anyone?


Yeah, you can say that in time my trust will come back but I don't feel it doing so. Like I said, I feel lost. And I can find my way back but that doesn't make the statistics change. It's still a very real possibility that I'll get played or that I'll want to drift because it's so boring and monotonous.


I can tell you, giving up the single life is NOT for me.

[ TheSaga | 9:04 AM | ]