Saturday, June 25, 2005
I've Been Hating
Lately I've been hating on all kind of shit... like relationships, marriage, religion, faith, dreams, positive thinking, etc. It's shit that I've been avoiding. I've been avoiding church and religion, I've been avoiding relationships, commitment to anything, and I'm beginning to wonder if I should even make future plans for anything productive. I've been hating on shit hard.
Anytime someone talks about some shit like hopefully getting married one day, etc, I'm just like "For what?! That shit gets old quick as the fuck. I don't know why people commit. You see the divorce rate? Do you know why it's so high? Because people have a completely unrealistic thought of marriage. They think it's this dream world of always being able to work things out and loving the person after a heated argument. FUCK NO!! Trust me, sometimes you just wanna choke a bitch (husband or wife). And the rate of infidelity (hubby or wifey) as a whole is even greater than the fucking divorce rate, meaning that most likely someone is GOING to cheat and the other won't even know about it."
I've also been reading a shitload of blogs about religion lately. Man, for some reason I'm getting tired of hearing about the fucking "Word". I've lost faith in that shit. Yes, I believe in God; yes, I believe He has control of everything, even me; but NO, I almost NO LONGER believe in praying... or in dreaming and planning in making those dreams come true. Why? Because shit is going to happen anyway. If you've got a gun in your face, that trigger might get pulled either way. It might just be your time to die so just accept that shit. Praying will NOT save you from your fate, so why bother praying? I've recently applied for a new job and did alright in the first interview. Will I get it? Don't know but I won't pray for it. Why? Because if it's meant for me to get it then I will either way. God has a plan so MY plans don't matter worth a damn and if my prayers don't coincide with his plan then there's no chance of my prayers being answered, so why waste my time and His? This pregnancy taught me that shit. I had my life planned out and BOOM a curve ball comes out of nowhere. This was His plan for whatever reason. I have no control over it. I might as well just accept the shit. My plans got deleted, or postponed, or altered; no matter what, I was not in control of this shit. He has complete control. I just have to live with it. My life will go wherever the fuck He wants it to go... it sucks realizing how little control I have over my life...
...or maybe I have more control than I think but my mind is too fucked up to cope... or too fucked up to do what's right.
[ TheSaga | 9:13 PM | 
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4 Comments:
I can give you no advice re this entry. But I think we've all been there before ... somehow most of us pull out of it. Maybe you will too.
systa: hopefully i will
bird: what's the point of living then?
I have been struggling with my own issues involving prayer. I was raised in a religious home so now it is hard for me NOT to pray, however at times, I wonder if prayer truly changes things. Then I think, yea they do, but mine aren't for a reason. Damn!
Earlier, you said what's the point of living. You have a purpose, and He's talking to you, whether you can accept His words it or not.
I had commented on another person's blog about why couldn't God allow me a promotion. While I was complaining to a girlfriend of mine, like He was sitting in the room with me, "It's not your turn. I'm taking care of the HEAD (my husband) first". I HAD to accept that, because in truth, we WERE out of order.
You already have a relationship with God, or you wouldn't have accepted that He's in control. Just make it a point to talk to Him sometimes, you know, like when you wake up in the middle of the night, for no reason. Sitting in the house or car by yourself.
I know, prayer seems like we're sending up "wishes", and it seems like prayers go unanswered, but call on Him, even when you think you don't need anything from Him.
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