Wednesday, June 29, 2005
It Has To Mean Something
I'm realizing that whatever I have accomplished in life doesn't mean much to me. My degree, the sacrifices I made to get my education, my house, my car, my street life experiences and all the things I've seen... nothing matters. I don't know why but I'm not satisfied. My problems still overwhelm me and I don't have anything positive to think about to help me look on a brighter note. Is it that I am just ungrateful or do my accomplishments just get old? Could it be that everything in my life gets old? Damn... I'm starting to believe that. Maybe it's because new problems always arise but new accomplishments don't. It's a disproportional balance and more bullshit comes than happy moments. It's like I have to constantly prove me to myself with something new, a new accomplishment. But the thing is I have to prove it to both sides of me. I have to be a hard muthafucka for guy #2 and a successful professional for guy #1. It's a muthafucka, I tells ya. Could it be that one's accomplishments are belittled by the other? This could very well be because I sometimes look down on the street side of me and other days I look down on the professional side for being so... I don't know, I guess "pussified" would be the best word for it.
Plus, I never seem to be able to go a prolonged amount of time to just marinate over all these accomplishments. All I get are major problems to drown them out. What the fuck, man? Can a nigga just get some peace, please? I don't know, maybe I just don't have enough of a good time to escape my issues. Maybe I need to go out more. I just need to find something or do something BIG. Whatever it is, it has to mean something and that meaning has to last me, it has to define me to myself.
[ TheSaga | 8:04 AM | 
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4 Comments:
Everything happens for a reason: I don't know how I hit your blog, I never read other people's blogs, but I did and I read. You might laugh or get angry but believe me when I say you need a 'come-to-Jesus' experienc. By this I DO NOT mean a go-to-church-on-Sunday-and-pretend-you're-a-good-person show. I mean a legitimate spiritual (NOT religious) experience with Christ. People who haven't experienced it don't know; they laugh. But I've heard your story many many times...the sad truth is that life doesn't sastisfy. No matter how much you get, no matter how much you do, no matter how much you accomplish, it ends up leaving you empty and feeling like you're...not doing enough and if you could just do a little more maybe it would help you feel better...so you try a little harded and you do a little more but you still get left w/ that empty feeling. There's a place in Chicago called Harvey House. It's a place for guys who have led rough street lives to go get cleaned up, sobered up, learn job skills, get back on their feet and get a second shot at life. These guys don't share your professional life but they do share your tough-guy side. They all know what a hard life really is and most of them now know Jesus and you would not believe the way their lives have changed. This is my challenge to you: don't take my word for it, or some guy preaching on the TV's word for it; learn for yourself. Next time you're feeling desperate, empty, lonely...pray. It doesn't have to sound pretty or "all religious". Just ask God, "If you're real, show me. If you can satisfy me, if you can "define me to myself", if you can be the BIG thing that I am missing, then show me". He will. I promise. I KNOW it sounds crazy and maybe you've heard stuff like this before. But it's real - He is real, and he'll fill that big empty space inside you like nothing you will ever accomplish on your own can. From the sound of it, you don't have anything to lose and everything to gain. Peace
bruh: i knew u'd know how i feel man.
sunny: ya know, i've heard all of that before, i really have... but there's something different when u said it. everything u said made sense. I'll try, I really will. I dont expect to get all religious and junk... but i'm hoping to at least come to peace, at peace with myself and at peace with God, because right now things just aint right between us and I'd like for them to be.
OMG!!! YOU DID IT!!!
*Tiki just snuck up from behind, giving you a BIG BEAR HUG*!
You said it in your last sentence, in response to SunnyTongue.
Dawg! You're on your way maaaaan!
Ahh hell! I'm fixin' ta cry now.
*leaving your blog....grinning*
I echo everyone's comments re this post. You'll find peace and understanding once you let go and give it to Him. Only THEN will it mean something.
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