Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Drop Your Ass Behind Stupid Shit

**I just got my new template to work properly. I don't know why that makes me so excited...but I am.**



Ya know, I can tell I'm not ready for a relationship. Want to know how? I'm a bit unforgiving, I don't have patience, I get fed up with little things easily, etc. I drop girls I'm dating like flies. I stop calling for the littlest things. I just don't have the patience to deal with the little things that people do.



Let me give you an example. I've been dating this woman for about 3 weeks or so. We've spoken on the phone a good bit, gone out a few times, and I've spent the night at her place a couple of times. Anyway, we had lunch at her place the other day and we were sitting pretty close to each other as we spoke. She was talking a bit loud so I told her "Okay baby, I'm right here, okay?" as in saying that she didn't have to be so loud, even though it was a normal tone and volume we were pretty close so she could have lowered her volume a little bit. Well, she got a little defensive about it saying "That's how I talk. You should know that that's how I talk." etc, etc, etc. Now I'm thinking, "Muthafucka, you can still lower your muthafuckin volume, Goddamn!!" I used to be the patient kind of guy where I could forgive that kind of shit but since I'm not, I'm dropping her ass. Don't get your feathers ruffled behind some stupid little shit.



Another example. I was dating this girl who had a figure and complexion that reminded me so much of Ky Toy Johnson (the girl in all the Outkast videos). We got along pretty well and the sex was pretty damn good. However, she didn't like to go down. She would do it but she didn't like to do it often, yet she always asked for me to do so. I would because I like to see a woman satisfied but I'll be damned if I'm not going to get that same respect. Plus, if a woman wants me to stick around, she's got to freak me. I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to sex. I like taking a walk late at night in the city with a girl I'm really digging and if we happen to come across a very secluded spot, I like to do something... you know, something nasty. Maybe I'll get behind her, pull her pants down just a little bit, and go down; or maybe have her go down on me, or maybe go all the way and fuck for a couple of minutes, just to say we've done it, just to be a little adventurous, ya know? Well, if I can't get a little head from a chica in private, how the hell is this chic going to be adventurous? Typically, I'd be a tolerant person and wait for us to work up to something like that but I don't have the patience. I ended up not calling her after kicking it with her for a few months.



Yet another example. I'd met a girl that was very pretty, she had a great career, great drive, great conversation, etc. We seemed to have really clicked. At first we spoke for hours on the phone and would meet for lunch sometimes. Now we hardly speak on the phone. We pretty much just call each other every now and then. Mostly we communicate through email. She's always very flirtatious whenever we speak on the phone or over email. I think that I could probably advance things a little if I put in more effort but to be honest, I don't care to. Fuck chasing after anybody. I don't care how much we click or how much I admire you as a woman, I'm not chasing. I want a woman to chase me just as much. I want the same effort put into me. I want to know that I'm worth that effort also. Before, I used to put that role on me, being the man, the pursuer but now, screw all that shit. I consider myself a valuable person and I'm worth at least a phone call and some pursuit. So, I've pretty much stopped calling her. Whenever she emails me and flirts and talks about us getting together I just tell her, "You got my number. Call whenever you want to hook up." I leave an open door because I would still like to kick it with her but like I said, I'm not going to be the one always pursuing. Fuck that.



There was another chic that showed some interest in me. She told my friend how she thought I looked good and how she thought I was really cool. Considering that this chic was model fine, of course I was going to jump on seeing where this could go. Well, it just so happened that she had an ex that she wasn't completely over. Again, if I would have put in some good, strong effort, I maybe could have taken her mind off of him... but for what? Why should I exert all that effort into a woman who's mind might be on some other guy for the first month or so whenever we're together? Why should I pay for lunches, dinner, movies, etc all the while she's hoping she could be with him? Yeah, in time she may have ended up forgetting about him but again, I shouldn't have to woo someone into digging me from jump. A woman should be interested in me just like I'm interested in her, period. I mean, if I'm a good person aren't I worth it?



Anyway, the lack of interest that I seem to be showing, the lack of patience, the lack of motivation, etc all tell me that I'm just not ready for a relationship. When one wants something, they seek it. They work for it. They deal with the issues that come with what they want. I have absolutely no drive to deal with any of that shit. Yeah, I'm still running a bit hot; I still look at sexy woman and say damn to myself, I still crave their bodies, and most of all, I crave to get to know a great woman's mind but when I think of all the drama that comes with women and all the work I have to put into impressing them, I lose all motivation. I start to wonder if they're putting any effort in getting to know me, in liking me; I begin to think of how I'm the one spending my hard earned money taking them out, when nothing will probably come of it and I just say "Fuck it, this shit ain't worth it."

[ TheSaga | 7:29 AM | ]